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sibling sexual abuse

My Family Hugs my Rapist

I woke up at 3am the other night (yay for insomnia), and as usual, I grabbed my phone off the nightstand to check my messages. When I checked Facebook, I saw that my cousin had posted the photos from this year’s family reunion. I have not attended an all-family event since 2011. That was the year I gave myself permission to stop subjecting myself to the anxiety that comes with being around my rapist-brother if I’m not comfortable being around him. Since then, I have not attended a family reunion, been home for Christmas, and I un-RSVPed for my other cousin’s wedding earlier this year.

Greeting by  Rose Valdivia from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

Greeting by Rose Valdivia from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

My entire family (and the internet-accessible world) is on notice that my brother molested and raped me for years, and yet they still invite him to all the family events. And judging by the pictures, they are happy to see him. The idea of being in the same room with him makes me nervous, but they happily hug him. They even let him hold hands with my 3 year-old little cousin. That churned my stomach. I wouldn’t let him be within 10 feet of my dog.

My family baffles me. I am sure they have no idea how painful and frustrating it is for me to see them hugging him and knowing that he’s a welcome presence in their lives. What the fuck is wrong with them? How can they stand to be around him? It makes me wonder if they don’t believe me. I suspect some of them think, “We don’t know what really happened (we weren’t there), but we love and accept you both.” They don’t understand that by accepting him, they don’t accept to me.

You can’t you say you believe that he raped me and then gleefully invite him to a family celebration. The two don’t comport; and actions speak louder than words.

A friend asked me how common is it for families with sibling sexual abuse to side with the abuser. A quick internet search didn’t yield any statistics on this question. One study indicated that sexual abuse between siblings is 5 times more prevalent than parent-child sexual abuse so I’m sure I’m not the only one in this situation. This doesn’t make me feel better, but it’s validating to know I’m not alone.

I wonder if my family actually cares about me or if pretending that everything is ok is enough for them. Based on their actions to date, I suspect it’s the latter.

Worth reading: Responding to Sibling Sexual Abuse: What to do and Why by Boz Tchividjian (written in response to questions he received after the disclosure that Josh Duggar molested his sisters)