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Matthew McConaughey

Day 37/90 – Grumble Grumble

It’s Day 37 of the 90 Days of Awesome, but to be honest, today didn’t feel awesome. When I thought about writing this post, my mind went blank when I tried to recall what made today awesome.

Sometimes I have to work to remember this. Photo by Sheila Dee, used with permission.

Sometimes I have to work to remember this. Photo by Sheila Dee, used with permission.

There was nothing particularly bad about today. There were plenty of things that made me happy in the moment – client work, standing desk, dictation software, writing two blog posts, submitting a proposal to speak at a conference – but I felt like today was more of a day rather than an awesome day.

I noticed I’m more irritable than usual, which can be a slippery slope from me. I hate when I get easily annoyed at stupid stuff. If I ask the question, “What the fuck is wrong with me?,” I know the simple answer is along the lines of, “You’re a trauma survivor,” or “You’re an addict.” Those answers feel glib tonight, though I suspect Occam’s Razor would agree with that.

Being in recovery has taught me that when I’m on and comfortable, it’s best to HALT. “HALT” stands for hungry, angry/anxious, lonely, and tired – four keep triggers for addicts. So let’s apply it:

  • Am I hungry? No. On the contrary, my stomach hurts.
  • Am I angry? More irritable than angry.
  • Am I anxious? Always.
  • Am I lonely? A bit. However, I won’t let most people near me right now. No offense, but most of you annoy me too much.
  • Am I tired? Yes. I’ve had crap sleep for the last two nights.

So now what? I got to go to bed. Hopefully a good night’s sleep will help me have an awesome day tomorrow.

Or as Matthew McConaughey would say, “Just keep livin.

In case you missed it: Day 36 of the 90 Days of Awesome – Sitting Second Chair in a Courtroom!