• Thank Goodness I was Sober in Law School

    My friend Brian Cuban recently wrote a post about his experience of being in law school while being deep in his alcohol addiction and eating disorder. It’s hard to fathom what that must have been like – going to class after waking up with a hangover, getting smashed when he was supposed to be studying, and puking his guts out as he staggered home. Law school is hard enough without struggling with addiction. I’m so grateful I got sober before I went to law school.

    I carry two chips in my wallet - my most recent birthday chip and my 24 hour "desire" chip. They remind me how far I've come but also that I have to take it one day at  time.
    I carry two chips in my wallet – my most recent birthday chip and my 24 hour “desire” chip. They remind me how far I’ve come but also that I have to take it one day at time.

    Actually, it’s because I got sober that I was able to go to law school. I never would have had the courage to apply when I was deep in my addiction. Before I got sober, my self-esteem was fragile at best and I was too afraid of failure to try anything that put my desire to maintain the illusion of perfection at risk.

    I had plenty of classmates who drank to blow off steam (and who sometimes drank over lunch and came back for afternoon class tipsy or drunk) and/or used prescription stimulants to help them study. I remember one of my classmates brought of bottle of booze and little plastic shot glasses so he and his friends could drink right after they got out of our Con Law final. (That was a bitch of a final. I understand why he did that. That was the only class where I had doubts about passing.) Being sober, I didn’t have the luxury of numbing my feelings with alcohol and drugs or using anything stronger than coffee to study.

    Don’t think for a second that I am/was as pure as driven snow. For full disclosure, I struggled with my eating disorder throughout law school. At the height of my disorder, I binged and purged about once a week, but this was mostly an infrequent occurrence during my law school years.

    Throughout my law school career, I was fortunate to have strong connections within the recovery community. I was lucky to have a classmate who was also in recovery from addiction. We would talk during our study breaks to vent about the stress of law school and life in general, and be there to support each other. We experienced the discomfort of law school without the option to mollify our stress with recreational substances. It was pretty brutal at times, but it was comforting to know I wasn’t going through it alone.

    As a member of a 12-step program, I have a sponsor, and it was fortuitous that he was getting his degree (different field) from Arizona State University while I was in law school. Both being students in difficult programs, he understood my level of stress because he faced it himself, although he seemed to handle it much more gracefully. There were many times I met with him between classes, to touch base about how I was feeling and to make sure I was perceiving and responding to situations appropriately. Just having him nearby was reassuring.

    One of the things I’ve learned in recovery is how important it is to stay connected to others. I’m grateful I had strong connections to others in recovery on my campus. They kept me grounded and gave me a place to vent when I needed it.

    I also want to give a massive hat tip to my undergrad alma mater Oregon State University. They established a collegiate recovery community with sober housing for students in recovery from addiction. I didn’t even know I had a problem when I was an undergrad, but I’m glad this is available for people who need/want it.

  • Self-Preservation for September

    Photo by Devon Christopher Adams, used with permission
    Photo by Devon Christopher Adams, used with permission

    I was laying on my therapist’s couch the other day (yes, I see a therapist and yes, I lay on his couch), when I looked up at him and asked, “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

    One of the things I love about my therapist is he will lovingly but bluntly let me have it when such a response is warranted. This was one of those times. He basically said that I am a perfectionistic, anxiety-filled, traumatized, recovering addict who refuses to put self-care above escapism and achievement. And if I keep pushing myself so hard, one of three things is going to happen:

    • I will have a heart attack,
    • He will be forced to hospitalize me,
    • I will learn to cut myself some slack.

    Sometimes it’s hard to accept that I am human with limits, and even harder to accept that I am a human with multiple potentially terminal conditions. I have “muscled” through many of the challenges in my life to date, and unfortunately that is at best a temporary solution – survive for now and worry about the consequences and long-term effects later.

    Well, now it’s later.

    I’m at the point in my life and my recovery that not taking care of myself is probably not an option. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am one of those people who should be on a massage table or an acupuncture table once a month, not as an indulgence, but as a necessity. And it’s not that I don’t know about self-care; I just suck at consistently applying these principles to myself.

    Did I mentioned that, because of our conflicting travel schedules, I don’t get to see my therapist again for nearly a month? It’s not that I can’t go that long without seeing him, I just don’t like to. Looking at it from an optimistic perspective, this is giving me the opportunity to take on more responsibility for taking care of myself and to rely more on my support system (because I also suck at asking for help too). I think this will also be a month of more – more music, more sleep, more gardening, more exercise, and more hugs – less mindlessness, more mindfulness.

    A friend suggested that my default answer for the next month should be “No.” I appreciate her advice, but I know that can’t be a hard and fast rule. There are too many awesome opportunities, things that I really want to do. My challenge will be being thoughtful about the opportunities that I accept.

  • Day 91/90 – Two-Speed Life

    Day 91 of the 90 Days of Awesome is in the bank! What made today awesome? I had a good day living at two speeds.

    I warned you I’d do the 90 Days of Awesome until the end of August.

    Gorgeous Photo of Me by Devon Christopher Adams from earlier this summer.
    Gorgeous Photo of Me by Devon Christopher Adams from earlier this summer.

    My life tends to oscillate between two speeds: full-speed ahead and crash-and-burn. Moderation is a foreign concept for the most part without deliberate thought and diligence. I was up at 5am and literally hit the ground running today, which got me on a roll of activity:

    • Ran 4.2 miles – it feels good to see myself building up endurance.
    • Visited Rev. Patrick – I appear and disappear at will at CCH.
    • Bought potting soil at the nursery for the patio garden.
    • Went to the market for paprika and vegetarian bouillon.
    • Made Terry’s lentil soup – love this recipe! I use extra broth instead of wine.
    • Boiled chicken for Rosie – yes, she gets chopped chicken with every meal. She’s spoiled.
    • Planted broccoli, cucumbers, and greens beans on the patio – peas and parsley will be planted later this season.

    By 2:30, I was exhausted and felt a massive headache coming on despite being conscientious about drinking water throughout the day. From warp speed to full stop – I popped two acetaminophen, threw The Perks of Being a Wallflower into the DVD player for background noise, and collapsed onto the couch for a nap and woke up about 90 minutes later. After I woke up, I still had a few items to crank through on my to-do list, mostly house chores that didn’t require too much mental capacity. Thank goodness for that because my body woke up significantly earlier than my brain.

    Practicing moderation is part of my recovery, but until I get better at that, I’ll have to keep doing the up-and-down lifestyle. Thankfully, my life has the flexibility to allow me to take naps when I need them most days.

    In case you missed it: Day 90 of the 90 Days of Awesome – Celebrating the Life of Atticus VanSlyke.