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Occam’s Razor

Day 87/90 – Processing Grief and Anger

Day 87 of the 90 Days of Awesome was not awesome. My day started out with sadness and anger as I woke to the story of two news reporters being killed on live TV. Their deaths were so sad and senseless. My heart goes out of their loved ones who will never get those images out of their heads. These senseless acts of violence make me so angry I wanted to go out in the alley behind my office and scream, but I didn’t want to scare my officemates.

Six flower pots filled with possibilities - soon to be filled with dirt.

Six flower pots filled with possibilities – soon to be filled with dirt.

It’s been a bit of a rough week for me physically – poor sleep, sweating again, chest pain. Sadness + anxiety perhaps? (When in doubt, Occam’s Razor.) I was glad to finish my client work by early afternoon. I told my receptionist, “I’m going on a mission” and left for the day.

What I called a mission was really a trip to the nursery to get pots for my patio garden. I picked up 6 pots and saucers and some seeds. I placed the pots and watched how the sun hits the patio over the course of the afternoon – adjusting their locations for maximum sunlight. I hope to get quality potting soil this weekend so I can start the growing process.

Working on this simple project seemed to calm me down, give me something tangible to do, and engaged the curiosity center of my brain. Perhaps this gardening project will continue to be good for me.

In case you missed it: Day 86 of the 90 Days of Awesome – Celebrating a friend’s sobriety anniversary.

Still Don’t Officially Know What’s Wrong with Me – and I Don’t Care Anymore

I love my running shoes.

I love my running shoes.

I am officially over my medical mystery. I don’t even want to think how much time I’ve spent in doctor’s offices and hospitals or how much money I’ve spent on medical tests related to my chest pains, dizziness, fatigue, and night sweats. And we still have no idea what’s wrong with me.

My cardiologists (all three of them) determined I have a hole in my heart but it’s a congenital defect that shouldn’t be causing my symptoms. My primary care doctor drew nine vials of blood and ran every test he could think of – CBC, thyroid, hormones, Epstein-Barr, other random illnesses – and everything came out negative or normal.

I’m annoyed that trying to do the right thing and take care of myself yielded no actionable results. It disrupted my marathon training and left me unprepared so I couldn’t finish the race. I feel like I wasted my time and I am frustrated that I don’t have any answers except what’s not wrong with me. I’m done doing this process of elimination. I’m ready to call it and apply Occam’s Razor. I say I have reoccurring costochondritis, fatigue from the fact that I work myself into the ground on a regular basis and have depression, dizziness from low blood sugar from my eating disorder, and night sweats caused by anxiety. I changed my linens and took the blanket off my bed so I’m cold when I tuck myself into bed at night, but it seems to be decreasing my night sweats so that’s good enough for me.

My Race Shirt for Rock 'n' Roll Arizona Marathon 2015

My Race Shirt for Rock ‘n’ Roll Arizona Marathon 2015

I’m ready to say “fuck it” and get back into cycling and running. When I go on The Undeniable Tour for two weeks, I plan to go running in every city I stay in. I am a much more balanced person when I work out on a regular basis.

Just in case some things really wrong with me and they just haven’t found it yet, I still don’t leave the house without my Road ID strapped to my left wrist. That way, if I collapse or something, my bracelet will contain the information the emergency medical team should know about my medical history.

Will I try to train for another marathon? I’m not sure. I workout more consistently when I have a race on my calendar and a training program to follow, so I’m looking for a race to train for – either a 10K or a half marathon. I’m contemplating doing a half marathon trail run in June. That could be really fun. We’ll see what happens.