• When Your Adult Child is Trans

    Last year, two of my cis-hetero friends told me that their college-age child recently came out trans. I immediately shifted into protective Oggy Ruth* mode and wanted to protect all of them and make sure they had the resources they might need.  

    Photo by Ted Eytan (Creative Commons)

    Free Mom Hugs

    Free Mom Hugs was started by Sara Cunningham who is the mom of a gay son. Her advocacy started by offering to stand in as anyone mom if their biological mother refused to come to their child’s same-sex wedding.

    Now there are Free Mom Hugs chapters throughout the U.S. Their members often attend pride events wearing “Free Mom Hugs” and “Free Dad Hugs” t-shirts, giving hugs to whoever wants them. It appears to be a great organization for parents who want to be involved and show support for the LGBTQ community.

    Photo by Hayley Tschetter (Creative Commons)

    Trans Education from Jammidodger

    Jamie Raines is a bisexual trans man in the UK. He also has a Ph.D. in psychology and dissertation on something related to transgender people.

    Jamie has a YouTube channel, Jammidodger, where he talks about and responds to a wide range of topics related to LGBTQ issues. He’s also been quite open his experiences taking testosterone as well as having top and bottom surgeries. Jamie also does videos where he responds to transphobic statements made by well-known people.

    One thing I appreciate about his channel is when he responds to transphobic statements, he cites studies that support what he’s saying, so he’s not just telling his opinion, but providing evidence.

    Where to Buy Clothes

    One issue I had to deal with when embracing my non-binary gender is figuring out what size I wear in men’s clothing. I also wanted to try different looks, and I didn’t want to buy a bunch of stuff online, knowing I’d have to send most of it back because most menswear doesn’t fit an estrogen-generated body.

    The place I first felt welcome to try on whatever I wanted was Buffalo Exchange. The staff is open to all types of people, and they don’t care what you want to try on. The only downside of Buffalo Exchange is they have dressing rooms labeled for men and women. I’ve also had good experiences trying on men’s pants at Lululemon and Eddie Bauer.

    If you’re lucky, you live in or near a city that has a clothing store that specifically caters to trans people, like Margie’s Closet in Cleveland, Ohio. 

    Where to Get a Haircut

    Not everyone feels comfortable getting their hair cut if they want a style that doesn’t conform to the gender they were assigned at birth. Thankfully, there’s the website Strands for Trans. It helps people find trans-friendly salons and barber shops.

    Photo by Ted Eytan (Creative Commons)

    How to Legally Change Your Name and Gender

    I’ve worked with several parents who needed guidance while helping their adult trans child legally change their name and gender. The process is not rocket science, but it can seem overwhelming at times with the various forms. It’s also easy to get confused about the order in which you have to update everything.

    Legally changing your name requires a court hearing. Check the county court where the child lives for information and the forms needed to change their name.

    Thankfully it’s much easier to change your gender on your passport. It’s just a matter of applying for a new passport and select their correct gender – no additional proof needed. If they’re a trans man or trans woman, they can just as easily update their social security record.

    Once they have their new passport, they can likely get their corrected driver’s license. If they want to correct their birth certificate too, contact the Office of Vital Records where they were born and them what documents they’ll need.

    Where to Ask for Help

    While there are plenty of resources for trans people and their families, they can also look to Reddit for help from strangers on the internet. There are subreddits for trans people, trans men, trans women, nonbinary people, and LGBTQ people. There’s even a subreddit to ask transgender people questions.

    If your trans kiddo has a question about sex or relationships, they may want to check out advice columnist Dan Savage and the Savage Love podcast. If he hasn’t addressed your kid’s concern to date, they can call or email him with their question.

    Dan and his partner also started the It Gets Better Project, which is an incredible place where LGBTQ people share their stories and messages of hope. Speaking of it gets better, if your kid is ever having a “baby trans” moment where they feel small, scared, or discriminated against, here’s a song that might help: It Gets Better by Rebecca Drysdale.

    How to Protect Yourself

    I would be doing a disservice if I didn’t mention this, and I’m really sorry this is how it currently is in the U.S., but violence against trans people is disturbingly high, especially trans women of color. There have also been mass shootings at gay night clubs, including at Pulse in Orlando in 2016 and Club Q in Colorado Springs in 2022.

    Your kid may want to take some preventative measures like taking a self-defense class or carrying something for self-defense like pepper spray or the Go Guarded ring. I own the Go Guarded ring, and I’ve considered getting a bulletproof undershirt, but that thing costs hundreds of dollars.

    Photo by Quinn Dombrowski (Creative Commons)

    * There is no gender-neutral term for aunt/uncle, so I created my own title: oggy. It rhymes with “doggy” and “foggy.”

  • Undeniable Recap of 2018

    It’s been a busy year, and I’ve barely blogged a thing. Sorry about that. I’ll do better in 2019.

    I’m glad I keep my jar of happy memories next to my bed to remind me of all the good things that happened this year. Sometimes with everything that was happening in the world, it was challenging to remember that everything doesn’t suck all the time. So many good things happened that I had to do more than a top five list:

    Top 5 Events

    1. Non-Binary Birth Certificate: I am officially legally non-binary! I had my California birth certificate corrected and re-issued, so now it states that I’m non-binary. For now, I can’t get a non-binary driver’s license in Arizona, but I’m working on it. I hope to influence the State to pass a bill that will allow non-binary birth certificates and driver’s licenses next session. Having a non-binary birth certificate also makes me want to go to states that have passed “bathroom bills” and ask where my restroom is.

    2. First Marathon and Triathlon: I finished a marathon this past January. By Mile 20, I was hurting but also planning for my next race (which will be in February 2019). During the off season, I had Coach David add biking and swimming to my workouts for cross training. A few months later I signed up for my first sprint triathlon – just to see if I liked it. Less than 100 yards into the swim I thought, “Yeah, I like this.”

    3. Christopher Creek Lodge Vacation: I shipped Rosie and myself away from society for a few days to stay at a cabin with bad wi-fi. We spent a lot of time reading, watching nature, rejuvenating, and getting my creative energy flowing again. It was what I needed.

    4. Open Water Swim with the Jewish Swim Club: When I started swimming this year, Coach David asked, “What’s the goal?” I responded that I wanted to hold my own “with the Jews.” (Note: When I started my swim workouts in April, the furthest I could swim the first day was 75 yards.) During the summer, David and his friends swim in the ocean off Brighton Beach, sometimes a mile or more.

    By the end of June David asked when I was coming to visit. I did a whirlwind trip, flying across the country on Thursday, to go swimming at 7am on Friday, and be back home in less than 24 hours. It was an awesome trip, including the swim. This was my first real open water swim, and I had a bit of a panic attack at the start. Once I realized I would never find my cadence in the waves, I was fine.

    5. I Became an Oggy:  A few months ago, my sister had a baby. (I can’t wait to meet the little human.) If they don’t post photos of the little one for seven days, I send my sister and brother-in-law an email that says, “Send proof of infant.”

    I had to figure out what I am to my nibling (collective term for niece/nephew). There is no gender-neutral term for aunt/uncle. I adopted a term from another non-binary person: “Oggy” (rhymes with “doggy”). I like being “Oggy Ruth.”

    Honorable Mentions

    Seeing Dan Savage Live: If you ever get the chance to see him speak, go.

    Blind Rosie: Rosie went blind a few weeks ago, and we had to remove her other eye. She was in surgery a few hours after waking up blind that day. When I brought her home, she was bit freaked out by the protective cone she had to wear, and she refused to walk. My neighbors, Sarah and Thomas, came to my rescue and helped carry Rosie into the house when we got home. Since then, we’ve both adjusted to blind basset life. She’s such a trooper.

    Rescue Dogs at CMWorld: Last year at Content Marketing World, I asked for rescue dogs in the expo hall. (Everyone loves dogs, right?) This year, they made it happen! One of the happy hours was “Yappy Hour” where, for a donation, we got to pet adoptable dogs from City Dogs Cleveland. I hope it becomes a standard part of the event.

    Skateboarding: Last year, the crew at Content Marketing World bought me a penny skateboard. This year, I learned how to ride it – with lessons, pads, and the whole she-bang. I also bought a proper board. I love riding my board. When I’m skateboarding, I literally can’t think about anything else, otherwise the risk of falling is too great. I’ll tell you the whole story next year.

    Firsts in 2018

    Fostered a dog for a week – and learned that Rosie’s meant to be an only child.

    Peleton class – at the flagship studio

    Ebay listing – sold my BarBri books

    Rubber bands on my Invisalign trays

    SlotZilla Zip Line

    Settlement conference

    Deposition

    Garmin watch

    Amazon affiliate link

    Seeing Chicago’s Second City perform

    Visit to Bart Simpson Bust

    Being told I look like a young Richard Gere by the clerk at JJ Hat Center

    Swimming in the Atlantic Ocean, Lake Erie, and Tempe Town Lake (Yes, I was up-to-date on my tetanus shot. No, I didn’t get super powers.)

    Events: Intelligent Content Conference, American Alliance of Museums conference

    Attempts to be a Better Human (affiliate link): Reusable produce bags and jars, Bringing my own container to the store for Rosie’s chicken, Zero waste deodorant, Bamboo toothbrush, Menstrual cup

    Foods: Making beans from dried, vegan pancakes, Daiya Cheddar Style Cheezy Mac (not bad), Lenny & Larry’s The Complete Cookie – Chocolate Chip (not worth it), overnight oats, Just Desserts vegan chocolate midnight cupcake (delicious but soooo sweet), chia seed pudding (meh), Café Indigo vegan carrot cake (yum)

    Celebrity Sightings

    Margaret Cho

    Elizabeth Smart

    Dan Savage

    Tina Fey

    In Memoriam

    Stephen Hawking

    Harry Anderson

    Larry Dolan

    Kate Spade

    Anthony Bourdain

    Aretha Franklin

    Elena Shushunova

    John McCain

    Mary Sigler

    Burt Reynolds

    Jay Bottomlee

    Stan Lee

    Penny Marshall

  • Undeniable Recap of 2012

    Ruth Carter, ABA Legal Rebel
    Photo by Don McPhee Photography

    It’s been an incredible year! Looking back, so much has changed and so many wonderful things have happened for me this year – personally and professionally. I never could have predicted so many good things happening. Of course, I didn’t get here alone and I want to thank all the friends, family, and colleagues who helped make this year fan-fucking-tastic. It was hard to pick the top five events from this year, but here you go!

    1.  Carter Law Firm Opened!  I opened my own law practice on January 4, 2012 and I’m happy to report that I’m still in business and haven’t been disbarred. It’s been an amazing year creating and building my own business with all the trials and tribulations that go along with that. I love my work and I’m so lucky that I get to build the professional life I’ve always wanted as the approachable geeky lawyer who wears t-shirts and does awesome work. I love that I’m building my niches in social media and flash mob law and being invited to do things like speak at major conferences.

    ruthcover smaller2.  My First Book  I wrote and self-published The Legal Side of Blogging: How Not to get Sued, Fired, Arrested, or Killed. I’ve always wanted to write a book and all the pieces fell into place to make it happen. The book has been well received so far and appears to be opening the door for more books. Special hat tip to ePublish Unum for teaching me everything I know about self-publishing.

    3.  ABA Legal Rebel  I’ve always looked up to the American Bar Association Legal Rebels, but in my wildest dreams I did not expect to be picked to join this illustrious group only months after becoming a lawyer. I’m tickled that they chose me because of my work in flash mob law.

    Rosie!
    Rosie!

    4.  I Got A Dog!  Adopting Rosie from the Arizona Basset Hound Rescue was probably the biggest life changing event of this year. It had been years since I had a pet and because of her we go walking every day and I’m on a more structured schedule. She can melt my heart with one look and it was so hard to leave her at the kennel for a few days. I love the way she looks when she runs and how she howls at the phone.

    5.  Half Marathon Personal Record  This may seem petty, but it was a big deal to me to finish the race under two hours. I was blown away when I heard I finished the race in 1:52. I’d never run that hard for so long before. It was a great experience to do so well.

     

    Celebrity Encounters in 2012

     

    Firsts in 2012

    • handstand bean1st trip to Chicago where I leave the airport – included my 1st ride on the L Train and my 1st visit to Cloud Gate (The Bean)
    • 1st trip to the Electronic Frontier Foundation
    • Bought my 1st Powerball ticket
    • 1st time using Survey Monkey and Mail Chimp
    • 1st time at Phoenix Comicon
    • 1st time owning a pet that wasn’t formerly a family pet
    • 1st business trip to San Francisco
    • Sent my 1st DMCA Takedown Notice
    • Put up my 1st yarn bomb
    • 1st trip to the ABA TechShow
    • 1st YouTube channel

    In Memorium

    • Peg Grucky
    • David Malcolm

    This has been an incredible year. I’m excited for what’s to come next!